The coldest January in over a decade has taught me one thing: Single men do not advocate the advantages of global warming.

Page two of every newspaper during this winter season appears to resemble a partial list of retired Yankee numbers. Digits like 5,7, 9, 8 seemed to scroll down the entire page. The problem is that they don’t belong to DiMaggio, Mantle, Maris or Berra, but to the forecasted overnight low temperatures.

And there appears to be no heat in sight until, like, Cinco de Mayo.

Maybe.

Winter in Hoboken is a tough bastard to deal with. The absence of subways and the premium on available cabs makes walking the only option. The Arctic winds whipping off the Hudson turns traveling by foot into a test of one’s endurance. It’s like participating in an Iditarod, just without the dogs.

With the concept of venturing out on the town no longer a pleasant option, dating has recently taken on a one-dimensional form. Ordering in food with a pay-per-view movie and a bottle of Merlot is the preferred choice for hibernating Hobokenites, even those experiencing the interview stage of first and second dates.

For men, the Siberian advantages are plentiful:

Convenient? Uh-huh. Don’t even have to leave the apartment.

Is the brain getting some well-deserved rest? Absolutely. Who needs to waste valuable seconds thinking of which restaurant to go to?

Cheaper? Rhetorical question.

Is the apartment cleaner? You bet. Nothing motivates tidying up the crib more than an impending guest does.

Most importantly, has the cold changed the ETA on getting laid from the standard 4-6 weeks delivery time to FED EX priority overnight?

In the words of Marv Albert: "YES!"

A most recent instance concerns an outwardly conservative but somewhat sexually active female friend—we’ll call her Kristin—who experienced this kind of expedited scenario on a night when the wind chill was below zero.

A guy that she met and eventually made out with one random evening called her 2 days later to invite her over for foreign cuisine and a movie. Technically this was a first date, and while Kristin normally wouldn’t agree to staying in with a guy until after the all-important 3rd date, the conditions outside made going to his place—only two blocks away—the sensible alternative.

The following morning, the email from Kristin popped into my inbox almost on cue:

Kristin: "I’m soooo tired!"
Joe: "What time did your date end last night?"
Kristin: "5:30 AM"
Joe: "What time did you go to sleep?"
Kristin: "5:00 AM"
Joe: "Trojan or Lifestyles?"
Kristin: "Wise-ass! But if you MUST know: Trojan. Ribbed."
Joe: "I think your extended evening just gave me an idea for a story."

And here we are. The guy (we’ll call him "Art") had seen the benefits that the negative conditions presented and turned it into a positive. It may have been too cold for a dinner at City Bistro and an after dinner drink at Madison’s, but it was warm enough for Art to make a trip to CVS to re-introduce himself to his lubricated friends in the orange box.

What Art and other men around town are quickly experiencing is ultimately gauged by what is secretly referred to as the CPL Index. CPL, or Cost-Per-Lay, is a rather simple formula that calculates the amount of money that men spend on a date or dates to achieve sexual intercourse with a woman.

In Art’s case, his CPL was extraordinarily low, which, like golf, is a good thing. To review, Art spent $12.00 on Chinese food and tipped the shivering delivery boy $2.00. Since the CPL allows a "write-off" of $10.00 for meals (the amount spent if the subject were to dine alone) Art therefore only spent $4.00 extra on dinner for his date. Kristin bought the wine ($11.00), so the CPL actually goes into the plus margin at this point (+$7.00).

As for the movie, Art steals his pay-per-view with a pirate descrambler that he received courtesy of his cousin Sal from Jersey City. Hence, the entertainment portion of the night cost him nothing.

Finally, the condoms were a six pack for $6.00, or $1.00 per condom. Later reports revealed that they exchanged fluids two times that evening. Therefore, the total cost for protection on this particular date was essentially $2.00.

All told, Art’s CPL Index read like this:
Food: - $4.00
Wine: +$11.00
Movie: $0.00
Condoms: -$2.00

CPL total: +$5.00
If only the S&P 500 could perform this well...

Obviously, Art’s owes a substantial portion of his success to Mother Nature. In retrospect, Kristin found Art to still be attractive when sober, his apartment neat, and the couch particularly comfortable. But she ultimately decided to stay following the usual post-movie foreplay because it was too fucking cold to go anywhere. The warmth of Art’s down comforter far outweighed the prospect of re-dressing and risking mild frostbite. To his credit, Art subtlety flipped to the weather channel immediately following the movie to remind Kristin how chilly it was outside of his apartment (13 degrees).

Kristin and parsimonious Art are still actively dating today. In fact, they just learned each other’s last names 10 minutes ago.

Other CPL Indexes have not been quite as K-Mart. Another friend—we’ll call him Linus—dated the same Kristin for about a month. After a dinner at Amanda’s Restaurant ($125.00), an evening with the Knicks ($185.00 to watch a 113-90 loss to Celtics) and prime seats to the Stones ($400.00), Kristin decided that while the nights were elegant, fun and exciting, Linus was not. Hence, the Linus CPL Index resembled a bad MasterCard commercial:

Expensive grub: -$125.00
Tickets to see a NBA lottery team: -$175.00
Two seats to hear songs recorded before your date was born: -$400.00
Unused condoms/lip balm: $9.00

Total CPL (even though the "L" was not achieved): -$709.00

Summer or fall may be most people’s idea of romantic seasons, but an extreme winter clearly has its economic and ejaculatory advantages for the as well.

At least for those whose time and money is at a premium.

A quick check of the CPL Index says so...

Joe Concha is a weekly contributer to NBCSports.com and is a feature writer for Hobokeni.com. Despite the obnoxious and provocative content of his columns, he enjoys long walks on the beach and watching the Oxygen Network.