After reading my friend Kara Jessica Parker Thomas's column on how guys are usually morally handicapped commitment phobes trapped in bodies experiencing perpetual puberty, I felt the need, no, the obligation, to defend my gender against these charges levied by the members of Ya Ya Sisterhood.

Kara's story focused primarily on the best-laid plans of love, marriage and family having more potholes than River Street. It appears that finding Mr. Right has become as arduous a task as getting an outdoor table at Margaritas. From my experience it seems most girls have a predetermined idea of the perfect soulmate. A female's order of priorities—at least the politically correct version—can be found on most Match.com profiles. In order of importance, girls usually list their priorities in the following order: Sense of humor, honesty, stability, and good looks, although they contend the latter isn't really important.

Getting back to Earth, here's what a guy really needs to even step into this arena in order of significance:
Matt Damon's looks, a six-figure salary (Note: when girls say "stability", they're not talking about a mental state of mind), Colin Powell's honesty, and a decent sense of humor. In selected instances a mediocre male lacking in some or all of these qualities may be fortunate enough to find an attractive girl so fed up with the dating scene that she's willing to settle. But most of the time, men, at least in Hoboken and across the river, are up against standards only the cast of "Ocean's Eleven" can attain.

Not to generalize (quick rule: any writer that uses "not to..." as a disclaimer will proceed in doing precisely what they said they're not trying to do), but women are all about finding men that offer challenges...at least in the courting stage.

It's why, I think, women always order salad dressing on the side, as I witnessed five single girls who did nothing but complain about their boyfriends do at an adjacent table at The Mile Square recently. I suppose they figured that if they can't control their men, they can at least control their lettuce.

The fine line between relationship and rejection is as thin as Calista Flockhart. If we're too nice, we're not a challenge. If we're too self-assured, we're considered arrogant. If we're too attentive, we're smothering. If we're apathetic, we're uncaring. Just where is that boundary between confidence and cockiness? Between being dorky nice and not loving enough? The answer is that it's next to impossible to find, and the ones that already unlocked this secret have probably married that girl in High School who laughed at you when you asked her if she wanted to go Exclamation Point.

Ms. Thomas also brilliantly used a remote control analogy to say, in essence, that men are always looking to trade up and find something better, whether it's on TV or dating. She's right. But if that Diane Lane flick "Unfaithful" is any indication, this road appears to have two lanes (if you NEVER want to trust a woman ever again, go see this movie). Despite the perception, women too go to places like Madison's to hook up almost as much as men do, but just can't advertise that fact. If men hook-up often, their peers treat them like royalty, but if women do the same, the double standard kicks in. Women may want the hook-up to eventually result in a relationship, but with the "taking things slow" aspect eliminated by said hook-up, it makes defining the relationship, or lack of it, that much more difficult.

When not watching SportsCenter, Wild On or The Sopornos, men too get around to the whole "finding the one" train of thought. But without a biological clock constantly ticking in our ear, the sense of urgency is simply not there. Men can also date women ranging from older to same age to 10 years younger, opening up more possibilities and temptation, while women invariably prefer to go for men about the same age and in most cases, older, shrinking the quality options (see: baggage).

Kara is also correct about the suburban wedding curve seemingly being five years ahead of the average Hoboken resident. But the biggest reason men are more selective about settling down is because of a subconscious Game 7 pressure of being able to financially afford a family and facilitating that dream by buying a home in an insanely overpriced market. A two-bedroom condo in Hoboken costs an average of $350,000.00 and homes in suburbs with good schools are more in the $500,000.00-600,000.00 range. So really in the end, some men are just looking to buy as much time as possible while advancing our careers and deepening our savings accounts for the future.

So ladies, it's not that men are only on this planet out to scratch a carnal itch or are looking to replace you to a reasonable facsimile of Jennifer Connelly...it's just that we are ensuring that everything else is in order in other aspects of our lives before we turn on the "now serving" sign.

Call it the Ya Ya Brotherhood model...

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